Friday, June 29, 2012

upside down


I've been feeling pretty good about my weight loss these days. Then, today, I went to try on swimsuits. Let's just say that it took me about two minutes in that wretched changing room to go from relative equilibrium to crazy panic. I guess it doesn't take much to throw me off. I ended up leaving the store with nothing. I toyed with despair for another fifteen minutes after I left, but then I remembered that I've made a lot of progress and it took me a long time to get where I am today and it's going to take some time to get where I want to be. It's OK to be here. I didn't stay upside down for long.

I noticed on my walk today that I don't tire as easily and I recover from the punishment of the endless stairs much quicker. I am changing. It just never happens as quickly as I'd like. And just as I recover from the stairs more quickly, I recover from self-loathing in a shorter amount of time too. Maybe this is the greater progress. Too bad there's not a scale to measure radical acceptance. I think I have lost even more than thirteen pounds of bad attitude.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

this world

 We had a bit of a scare today. Wyatt, being the aspiring acrobat that he is, decided to take a dramatic swan dive off of a picnic table onto a cement surface yesterday. He thought it would be especially thrilling to his adoring public if he landed on this head. His mom called their doctor and he told her to watch for particular symptoms (lethargy, unequal pupils, vomiting, etc.) so she kept an eye on him and he seemed fine. But when she got him up this morning his crib and everything else was covered with vomit. She put him in the tub to bathe him and he vomited again. He vomited again on the way over to my house where his parents dropped off Lincoln before they drove to the children's hospital.

While we waited for word, Lincoln and I played with paint brushes and went to the park. I was thinking about my post yesterday, about how life is too short and we sometimes fail to appreciate what is beautiful here and now. I was poised to play wholeheartedly with both of the boys today, but Lincoln and I were alone, suspended between two worlds. In one world Wyatt is fine and life goes on as before. In the other world Wyatt is not fine and everything changes. I couldn't imagine myself in that second world. As I pushed Linc on the swing he fell silent as though he knew what I was thinking and wanted to give me space for it. I pushed him on the swing in silence for fifteen minutes like that, and if you knew my chatty grandson you would recognize how odd that is.

Finally, Joey and Janelle returned with Wyatt and the good news that he was fine. The second world collapsed and we got to go on with life-as-usual. But there's something new in this world that wasn't really there before. I see the boys a little differently. It's not that I never considered the possibility of losing them before. That's just the way my mind works. I have suffered terrible losses in my life and it has made me keenly aware of the ever-present possibility of more losses. But I had never waded that far into the murky waters of "what if" before this. It has made my love for them even more acute, if that's possible. It's a pain in my chest that won't go away. I'm so thankful for this world, the one where my grandchildren are well and whole and everyone else I love is intact. It's a precarious world, but I'm thankful for it anyway.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

opening blind eyes


These are some lilies in our back yard. They're protected from the chaos of the neighborhood kids so they get to bloom with impunity. I see them every day when I let my dogs out, and I was sitting today thanking God for how lovely they are. Every year it's kind of a mystery what colors we'll get. I don't know anything about how this works, but our lilies seem like they change colors every year. Is that possible? All I know is that I'm surprised and delighted every summer when they open up to the sun.

I had a really busy day today and the heat was oppressive. I came home and my head was splitting open so I laid down for a while until the headache subsided. All the while, the lilies were waiting for me, waiting for the eyes that appreciate their gladness and joy. Is it possible for flowers to love you? I imagine that these blooms are a gift from God to me, to remind me that there is a narrow window of time when beauty must be cherished. Very soon the petals will fall to the earth and only the stems will remain. They don't have time for my headache. They must be loved in return for these brief moments while they are so fully alive.

It makes me think of all of the gratuitous beauty in the world wasted on eyes that are blind. I must have passed fifty children while I was running my errands today, and they all seemed invisible to the adults who accompanied them. They were these astounding, shining miracles and no one seemed to notice. I saw one little boy being dragged into the grocery store by his dad while the child whimpered and tried to keep his feet on the ground. His dad's eyes were vacant and angry. He didn't realize he was trampling a delicate lily, petals falling in a trail behind them. He didn't realize he was missing a brief flowering that will fade in no time. I can't number the times I've sinned in this way. It's so easy to sleep through the brief summer when the sun is high in the sky.

Tomorrow my grandchildren will be with me while their mom works. I'm going to make sure I appreciate their blooming loveliness while I can. I will notice the colors that shine in their eyes, allowing myself to be as surprised and delighted as I should be. I will not sleep through this summer.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

dancing


Wyatt dances like there's no tomorrow. He is completely unselfconscious. His joy rides on the surface of any given moment and his body responds with clapping and stomping and swaying.

I want to dance like this. I want to hear the rhythm of God and abandon myself to his music.

Yes Lord.

Monday, June 25, 2012

attention and the truth

I've been trying to figure out what exactly has been so transforming about using my fitbit. Really, the only thing it's doing is keeping track of my level of activity in terms of steps taken, flights of steps climbed, calories burned, etc. and then it calculates calories allowed based on this. I input the food I'm eating and various forms of exercise. Really, it's kind of basic when you think about it. So why is it making such a difference for me?

I think it has something to do with attention and truth. I've been living in a delusional world where exercise and the kinds of food I ate were irrelevant to me. Now I have this thing that goes wherever I go and tells me the truth about what this means to me. It helps me to attend to my life and health throughout my day. It lands me right smack in the center of reality. It doesn't nag me or judge me. It just speaks truth. It doesn't know about my attitudes or all the voices in my head. It doesn't know about my history. It just knows about right now. That's an amazing blessing to me.

And it's also helped me to attend to other areas of my everyday life. It's spread out like a mindfulness virus and touched my ability to listen to God and others. It helps me to attend to the work I have to do and how I'd like to spend my time. It's a little companion who keeps reminding me that I have a life and the only moment that actually has the potential to make a difference is this very moment in the palm of my hand.

The quality of my attention has shifted. I'm much more likely to be where I am. I'm much less likely to be frittering away my life in the past or the future. I'm much more likely to be alive. What a miracle.

Friday, June 22, 2012

beauty from beauty

Lincoln loves to paint. He and Wyatt are staying over night again tonight and although he only had a little while until bedtime when he got here he BEGGED me to let him paint a while.

I'm pretty sure I have the gramma-with-the-most-paint-brushes award sewn up. Lincoln goes crazy for paint brushes. When he was just a baby I would get out my giant sable brush and stroke his face with it. His eyes would get heavy and glazed over as the bristles brushed his cheeks. Ever since then he can't get enough of my brush stash.



And I can't get enough of watching him work his magic on the watercolor paper. He gets very absorbed in what he's doing. Lincoln generally uses a particular paint brush only once during the creation of a masterpiece. He studies the brushes carefully until he finds exactly what he's looking for. Then he wets it and decides what color is the one that best fits this brush. When he paints a little with that color it begins again with a new brush. It's a very careful process. It looks like love.



By the time he touches the brush to the paper I'm holding my breath. That blank sheet of white comes to life and will never be the same again. He's touched it with a little bit of his heart and soul. I often think of his beauty spilling out to create this wondrous image. I often think of God carefully choosing the brushes and colors that form me into who he has in mind. Beautiful works of art always come from the most beautiful hearts. I'm glad God is this kind of artist.



Thursday, June 21, 2012

swallowed up


I'm not sure what they're called, but we have these creeping vines all over our back yard that swallow up every single thing by the end of the summer. I love the way they spread out like slender fingers, clinging to anything they touch. If Danny didn't use his bike for a while we would eventually have a bike-shaped vine leaning against the brick. Isn't it lovely?

I want the Spirit of God to invade my entire soul this way. I want him to swallow up every inch of me until there's only a God-shaped life visible. Of course, this will require me to be still long enough for his fingers to wrap around my heart and and make a home there. Being this still is not so easy. Sometimes I want to resist the creeping influence of his love and the way he digs into every space in me. I'm tempted to wriggle free and go my own way. But wouldn't it be beautiful to be so completely covered over with the persistent greenery of his Spirit? Wouldn't it be astounding to be swallowed up by his irresistible mercy and love?

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

proof: considering the lilies some more


Just in case you were wondering if I was exaggerating yesterday, here's the proof that there's life after death. This was taken today after four days of laying on a brick wall out in the elements with no stem and four days of sitting in a dish of water in my dining room. God is such a show-off. He really digs hopeless cases. Just look at me. I'm proof too.


Tuesday, June 19, 2012

blooming

We have a ton of lilies planted in our yard. The ones out in front are in something of a danger zone because they aren't fenced in and there are about a bazillion kids that come to visit our next door neighbor and they seem to love to pick the buds off the stems or stomp on them or any number of other violations. When they play hide-and-seek you can frequently see a little one hiding in the middle of a stand of irises and lilies, oblivious to the crushed greenery beneath their feet. I can't get mad at them because they're so cute and they're probably too young to understand the consequences of their actions. They don't know they've killed something. They don't know it can't be fixed.

I walked outside the other day and found four lily buds lying on the sidewalk. It was a sad sight and I put them up on the brick wall for Dave to see when he got home. We kind of forgot about them until we went outside this weekend and found that even apart from the stem, one of them had started to bloom! I brought them inside and put them in a tiny glass dish and they opened up beautifully. I felt like celebrating. It was a little bit like cheating death.

All of that to say that when a bloom survives to the apex of its beauty it's a tiny miracle. I think we're all a little bit like those exposed and vulnerable blooms. Over the course of our lives it's pretty easy to get trampled. The world can (intentionally or unintentionally) snap the buds of potential in us. It's a little miracle that parts of us survive the onslaught despite everything and bloom into something stunning. And even when parts of us have died, we are a people of resurrection. Sometimes even when we've suffered something that seems like it will kill us, we bloom against all odds.

I'm feeling something coming alive in me, and it feels just like a lily, bright and unexpected. What's blooming in you these days?

Monday, June 18, 2012

up in the air

please don't call child protection services
This photo was taken yesterday by Danny in my front yard while I was inside or I would definitely have at least moved them off of the cement sidewalk. I mean, give the kid a chance of survival if you drop him! But I just can't help but smile when I look at Wyatt's face. He is in heaven. This child loves to take crazy risks and he can't get enough of being up in the air. He has NO FEAR WHATSOEVER! I don't know if there's a better picture of joy than this.

I wonder what it would be like to trust like that? I wonder what it would be like to just throw yourself into life so completely and with such abandon? I wonder what it's like to live with utter confidence that someone will be there to catch you before you hit the ground? Once again, the children in my life are serving as my little zen masters, teaching me everything I need to know about living in this very moment. What a gift.

No fear.


Saturday, June 16, 2012

play

I'm fairly certain that determinedly playing extends your life by several years, or at least it makes your years on earth so much more worthwhile. It's the great bonus of having my grandchildren around. They remind me of how important playing is in a life. Lincoln and Wyatt both woke at 7am and immediately got to work with some serious play. They know what they're doing. They are professional mischief-makers.

When everyone else got here for family breakfast, we all joined in the fun. You just can't help yourself, really. It's like getting hijacked, but in a really good way. Wyatt is not happy unless he is somewhere up in the air, preferably upside-down. (He clearly requested this by uttering for the first time ever, "upside-down!")

My sister brought along her little puppy, Leo. My dogs weren't terribly thrilled, being the old grumps that they are, but we love this little guy. He knows how to play too, but mostly he has to settle for cuddling when he's here because my kill-joy dogs don't appreciate his sense of whimsy: nipping their butts, for example. Isn't he adorable?

Anyway, I'm about ready for a nap. I don't know if I'll actually get to do that, but it sure is tempting after you've played so hard. It's a good thing I'm getting in shape. They wear me out in the best possible way. Hope you all enjoy your Saturday. Mine is shaping up to be so good.

Friday, June 15, 2012

happy feet, happy life

If you're going to be moving around a lot, you really need a good pair of shoes. Preferably this pair of shoes should be kinda cute. It will make your feet much happier and if your feet are happy it's so much easier for the rest of you to feel happy. Take my word for it.

I had such a lovely day. Dave and I took my son's car to a gentleman in the neighborhood who has a little shop in his garage. This vehicle needed a LOT of work and when Joe and Janelle checked around they got quotes around $1000. Our friend Percy fixed it all (and more) for less than $300.

Later, a police officer trotted into our neighborhood on horseback. My only regret is that Lincoln and Wyatt missed it, but there were some other little sweeties that got a close-up encounter. So cute. You never know what you're going to see in this neighborhood. I grew up in the city and it's where I feel most at home. There's so much life and excitement all of the time. And I'm convinced that the sidewalks (which we never had in the suburbs) connect people so you feel less isolated. This makes my walks so much nicer. I don't have to walk out in the street and I get to say hello to all of my neighbors.

Next, I visited a farmer's market at a church about a mile from my house. I picked up some free-range eggs, some freshly-picked succulent strawberries, and lots of bright vegetables for my salads. Yum! After that I purchased the above-pictured shoes so that my feet could be as happy as my tummy. I don't like it when part of my body is happy and other parts are sad or angry. Too much drama.

Tonight Janelle dropped off Lincoln and Wyatt to stay over night. I think I may have mentioned a time or two that I adore these boys. Wyatt is a little monkey who is into EVERYTHING, but he's so dang cute you really can't get upset with him, even when he's purposely getting into things he knows he's not supposed to. I walked out of the room for two minutes and when I came back he was sitting on the couch with my laptop on his lap pounding away on the keys.  The picture on the left is Lincoln drifting off to sleep. They're both sleeping now, and I have to start getting ready for family breakfast in the morning. I'm feeling an alarming amount of contentment and gratitude. So much goodness.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

respect yourself

It's been a very long time since I allowed myself to dream about losing weight. I was always rather thin growing up and I first started gaining weight back in about 1990 when my doctor put me on a tricyclic antidepressant to try to prevent migraines. Ever since that time, I've struggled with weight and body image.

Now that things are going in a good direction, I find myself daydreaming about the possibility of looking in the mirror without a sense of revulsion. Revulsion is a strong word, but I don't think I'm overstating it. And I think that's a big part of my problem that I'm starting to address. I haven't respected my body very much over the last couple of decades, and it's hard to make any positive and lasting changes when you're approaching yourself in such a harsh way.

A friend of mine posted a video on Facebook today and it's been bumping around in my head all day since I watched it. (Thanks Marcell!) The chorus of this song is my new theme song. Here it is. Enjoy!


Wednesday, June 13, 2012

as i grow healthier...

I really do have to say one more time how much I love my fitbit. I've never been this motivated and dedicated to my health in my whole life. I'm pretty much kicking butt. Even though I'm not supposed to sweat with this EEG nonsense strapped to me, I've managed to meet my step goals yesterday and I'm getting close tonight. This is in addition to staying within my calorie allowance with really healthy foods and getting some writing done and hosting a Bible study. (Go ahead. You can say it. I know you're thinking it. I rock.)

I've discovered that when I do the work of caring for my body, my mind and my spirit go along for the ride. Isn't that crazy? I feel as though I am much more receptive to God and much more able to be productive in other areas of my life. I can guarantee that if I had not been caring for myself this way, I would have become VERY depressed with these electrodes pasted to my head and this pack strapped to me. I would have used it as an excuse to sit around and watch TV while I eat ice cream and feel sorry for myself. But I've actually been feeling almost joyful.

I guess what I'm saying is that if this can happen for me, and you're wondering if you should give this whole thing a try, I want to encourage you to go for it. (I promise I'm not getting paid by the fitbit people.) I was fairly certain at this point in my life that getting healthy was somehow out of my reach or beyond my capability. I know I have a long way to go, but the thing is, I'm actually ENJOYING THE PROCESS! I'm not really worried about losing a certain amount of weight by a certain date. I just want to feel better and I already do. So there.

OK, gotta get the rest of my goals in for the day. Much love to anyone reading these words.

dork or biker chick? you decide.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

all wired up

After about an hour or so of getting electrodes glued to my head, I think I can now pick up HBO or intercept government secrets being transmitted through the airwaves. 

all wired up!
ponytail of wires and mesh gauze
the box i'll be carrying around 
It's all pretty clunky and weird, but it's only for a couple of days. I suppose I can do anything for a couple of days. I think I'll just use the awareness of this contraption as a trigger to think about the ways I am tethered to God. 

Monday, June 11, 2012

caring for me

I guess I lied again.

Remember when I said that I was going to post here everyday? Well, I've noticed that this is really a difficult thing to do on weekends. Last night I didn't get home until 11:50 and while I could have written a couple of sentences that seemed like it would be betraying the spirit of my commitment. Although I am not opposed to posting shitty first drafts, I don't want this to be a place that is careless or something that resembles a bunch of Facebook updates. So, in order to protect the integrity of what I'm trying to accomplish here and to better honor the rhythm of my week, I've made a decision: I'm only going to hold myself to the commitment of daily posts Monday through Friday. If I have time, I'll also post on the weekend, but I'm not going to stress about it.

Although at first glance this may seem like a step backwards, this decision actually represents a really positive movement forward for me. My life is finally starting to take shape in meaningful ways. I feel better overall and I'm making better decisions for my health. I'm noticing when something is not good for me and making wise adjustments. It feels a little like waking up after a very long illness finally clear-headed and well. I've become so accustomed to neglecting myself that it's surprising to me to be attending to my needs on such a consistent basis. I actually have hope that this will continue into a habit of mind and body. This is all very new. It feels like rebirth.

I may be singing a different tune after I have had electrodes glued to my head for a couple of days. I'm kind of anxious about that to tell you the truth. I won't be able to exercise or bathe or do many of the new things that are lifting my mood these days. Pray for me for the next few days, won't you? I can imagine I'm going to feel a little like an alien for a while. Rest assured I'll keep you posted here. I should have plenty of time to do that.

Saturday, June 9, 2012

the news

Well, I saw my neurologist today and I have good news and bad news. The good news is that he's fairly confident that I won't have another of these episodes. The bad news is that to make him feel better about not treating me he wants to do a 48 hour EEG. This means I'll have to wear electrodes for two days and keep track of everything I'm doing. If I can bring myself to take a picture I will, but I'm not making any promises. I don't think this will be very fun, and the worst part is that even if the test comes back clean it doesn't guarantee that I didn't have a seizure or that I won't have another in the future.

I guess that was mostly a downer, but here's some more good news: I'm doing really well with this fitbit and I've lost 4 pounds already. I'm feeling better than I have in a long time. That's gotta count for something.

I'm getting wired up on Tuesday. Bring it.

Friday, June 8, 2012

cheating

This is a facebook post disguised as a blog post, but it will have to do because my sister is here and I want to hang with her. I've already lost three pounds and feeling probably a little too self-satisfied but I'll take it. I woke with a migraine this morning but it subsided after several hours and the rest of the day was lovely. I hope your's was even a fraction as nice as mine.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

giant kick in the butt

Well, my recent trip to the hospital is having some unexpected side effects in my life. I decided that I really need to take better care of myself and my friend Julie suggested that I try a fitbit. It's this little device that you wear that tracks the number of steps you take, the amount of stairs you climb, the general quality of your sleep and you can manually track food, water, activities, etc with their software. It helps you to set goals and tracks those for you too. So yesterday my little fitbit friend arrived in the mail and I went to work setting it up and starting to use it.

I've always known that I have a hard time taking things like calories and exercise seriously. It's almost like I expect the universe to give me a pass. But let me tell you, when the data is right there in front of you denial is harder to come by. I've learned that:
  1. my portions were way too large
  2. my food choices were careless both in terms of nutritional value and calorie count
  3. my lifestyle is WAY too sedentary
  4. I wake up a lot during the night (actually, I already knew this, but now I have the proof!)
  5. I can change
That last one kind of surprised me. Now granted, I've only been doing this for a little more than a day, but I'm shocked at how motivating it can be to wear this little doo-hickey. When you only have a certain amount of calories allowed it makes you think long and hard about the choices you're making. For the first time in a LONG time, I had a salad for lunch and I actually worked out on the elliptical (both because it helped me get in a lot of steps and also because when you're active you get extra calorie allowances). It also motivated me to get some laundry done because it would mean climbing stairs. Crazy. 

So I guess that, all things considered, my little fainting episode wasn't all bad. I'm excited to have this giant kick in the butt to get me going in the right direction.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

31 years

I met Dave when we were just fourteen and fifteen years old. At the time, I pretty much thought he was a dork and we were just friends for the next couple of years. But when we finally started dating it only took me about two weeks to figure out that he was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Miraculously, he felt the same. We dated for three years and on June 6, 1981 we were married. I've never regretted it for one second.

I wish I had the words to tell you all the kind of man Dave is. If you know him (and I think most of you do) it goes without saying that you like him. In fact, in all of the 31 years of our marriage, I can't think of one person who disliked him. He draws people to himself. He is kind, fun, adventurous, generous, gentle, intelligent, compassionate, considerate, hard-working and abundantly loving.

I want to cry when I think of what an amazing father he always has been to our children. In fact, the neighborhood kids used to knock on our door and ask the our boys if their dad could come out and play. There are more than a few of the boy's friends who consider Dave a father figure in their life. Even today, he'll be invited to events where he's the only "dad" there. Everyone wants to be with him. And now, he's just the same with our grandchildren. The little boys can't get enough of their Gwappa. The other day Dave was playing with Wyatt and the giggling coming from that child had me laughing out loud.

Most of all though, he has been my best friend and the person that I trust most in this world. Although Dave and I are very different, we've always had the same sense of humor. I can't count the number of times we've made each other laugh so hard that we feel a little sick by the time we were through. We got married so young that we kind of grew up together. I feel utterly secure in a way that I suspect is rare in this world. This is a man that I admire so much. He has so much integrity and I think that's also quite rare. Actually, I'm getting a little frustrated because none of this even comes close to conveying what an astounding human being I married. I could type from this moment until the moment I die and I would still come up short.

David, I'm so thankful that you chose me and that you continue to choose me. I would marry you all over again in a heartbeat. Happy Anniversary my love.

Dave with one-day-old Linc (melt)

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

words

Wyatt took a lot longer than Linc to make sounds that were recognizable as words, but as soon as he started speaking his vocabulary exploded. It surprises me every time he opens his mouth because I've become so used to his babbling. He calls me "Gamma" or sometimes "Mama" slips out accidentally. It's fascinating to me that a couple of weeks ago he could only communicate through basic pointing and facial expression and an occasional screech and now he can choose from his growing word-stock to tell me what's on his mind.

Language is such a gift. There are times when I feel like words become lost to me. When I'm feeling especially low it seems like it's too much work to form them into anything that makes sense. I might as well be an infant with only random noises to work with. Maybe this is my greatest sin: to neglect the words that have been given to me. I'm going to try to follow Wyatt's example and speak and write as though the words are newborn miracles. I've neglected them too long.

Monday, June 4, 2012

whispers in the dark

On Saturday I posted something difficult about the fears I'm experiencing as I think about my recent hospitalization and what this might mean for me in the future. My son Danny replied in the comment section:
"why should i worry? why do i freak out? god knows what i need."

staring straight down can be scary, but if you lift your eyes & look around a bit, you have family & friends that will love you through this funk and the next. you're not alone. if you jump, we jump :)
I'm so grateful for Danny's heart and for the many others like him who care for me. I'm so grateful for words whispered in my dark places. They are homing devices from God to lead me back to him.

Saturday, June 2, 2012

the fear of falling

I'm starting to suspect that I've dipped into a bit of a funk, and as I've peered inside myself I think it has something to do with a loss of control. I've never experienced aspects of my physical health as particularly within my control. For most of my life I've suffered with migraines that used to be somewhat predictable and that recently are totally unpredictable. In fact, as I've gone through the hormone changes that accompany my life stage I've lost the ability to predict a lot of things. This loss of predictability has been harder on me than I think I've understood until the last few days. And now that I've experienced this sudden event where I totally lost consciousness and don't really have the benefit of memory to make sense of it, the feeling of falling has intensified.

I did a little research and it turns out that migraines and seizure disorders are considered comorbid conditions which basically means that if you have one you're much more likely to have the other than the rest of the population. I'm trying very hard not to get ahead of myself because this could just have been an isolated incident, but it's hard not to wonder about what this could mean for my future. I wonder about the medications that I might need to take and whether it will affect my ability to drive or independently care for my grandchildren. I was on an anti-seizure medication for a while, and although it helped my migraines it made my thinking muddy and I felt a little bit like an Alzheimer's patient. This strikes at the center of my identity. What if I could no longer write with clarity or teach or counsel? I guess I'm frightened when you get right down to the bare bones of this thing.

So I'm trying with all of my might to open my hands and let go of the fear and uncertainty and rest in the fact that even when I feel like I'm falling I am held secure. Even though there are many things I can't control, there are wide swaths of my life where I have choices and the ability to make a difference. Those are the places where I want to be present and pour all of my energy out (at least the little energy that I have these days.) I'm trying to summon the will to simultaneously fight and give in where these movements make the most sense. I'm trying to remember that all is well even when the rock face is spinning past me in my free-fall. It's hard to trust that there's something soft and safe at the bottom of the cliff.


Friday, June 1, 2012

nope. not gonna happen.

I was hoping to write something a little more meaty today but it's been a not so great day. The headache came back and I'm just exhausted and feeling a lot less than fabulous. Sarah cooked for me and she and Danny went to get some groceries for me. They're so sweet. It's nice to know that I have little honey-pies that have my back (and my tummy).

I'm going to get to see my little grand honey-pies tomorrow. There's a happy thought.