Tuesday, July 31, 2012

where hope wins over fear

A couple of days ago Amanda, the loveliest young woman I know, proposed to my youngest son Danny, and he said yes. (He actually proposed to her last year and she also said yes, but she wasn't ready to be engaged yet, so this time around it was her turn to do the asking.) I was going to tell you a nice long story with lots of details about their relationship and the road that brought them to this happy day, but then I had a moment of clarity and I realized that it's not my story to tell.

However, it IS my story to tell you the way Amanda has come to be a part of our family already, a space we've been saving that is finally filled, a friendly ghost who's been haunting us in the best sense of that word and who now has come to life. Mothers have this thing we do in our heads as we think about our children's future. We play movies in our heads composed mostly of hope and fear. We alternate between imagining them happy and successful with healthy and loving families and later imagining (fearing) that they will be lonely skid row bums strung out on meth. Maybe this is just me.

I'm so gratified to know that both of my boys chose women who love them like mad and who care about me too. I'm so proud of the men my children have become. I'm so relieved that neither of my boys turned out to be homeless meth addicts. And right now, in this moment, I'm so filled with joy that Amanda is joining our family forever and always. Isn't she beautiful?


I am very blessed.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

a day i'd really like to remember

Well, my friends, today was a very, very good day. Would you like to hear about it?

First of all, I finished my writing project, or at least I finished the major piece of it that I set out to finish when I retreated to this cabin. You cannot possibly imagine how wonderful this feels. For the first time since I can remember I don't have anything nagging at the back of my brain. I typed the last word and sent it off to Greg and then I did a happy dance. I know that a lot of you who read this blog are writers so I'm sure you know what I mean. And THEN I realized that I get to spend all of my time until I leave tomorrow doing anything I dang well please. I'm surprised that my heart didn't stop from happiness.

About fifteen minutes after this ecstatic event the skies here darkened and there was a constant rumbling in the distance. It sounded like a jet was circling overhead. I checked the weather and found out that a major storm was just about to hit. They were predicting 60mph winds and golf ball sized hail and deadly thunder as well as torrential rain. Hmmmmm. Perhaps my work on earth was finished and God was coming to take me to my reward? Not to thwart the will of the Almighty or anything, but I hid in the hallway. I couldn't help but peek out at the lake in the middle of it though. It was spectacular. Between the thunder and the pounding of the rain and hail it made quite a racket. But then, just as suddenly as it came, it was over.

After the rain stopped I looked outside and it had become perfectly still and calm. The world had turned a golden hue and was glowing. I'm not making this up. And I have pictures to prove it. I sat on the wet porch furniture and thanked God for letting me hang around for this. It's not often that you cheat death so blatantly. I mean I was practically at the gates of heaven trying to get a peek at what St. Peter is wearing these days.

And THEN the sun began to set and things got really outrageous around here. Colors exploded out of the sky and water and everything became a painting by Monet only prettier. I swear to you God was showing off. I'll bet he was a little sad that we wouldn't be face to face for a while so he sat down and doodled for a bit. I'm pretty sure that's how God beats the blues. And speaking of the blues, (and pinks and purples and every other amazing color) my camera couldn't get enough. It was like I got a job as Jesus' photojournalist.


And now I'm sitting in the dark listening to the sounds of the night and typing these words to you. You know those days in life that you swear you'll remember forever but you secretly harbor a fear that you'll forget? This was one of those days. And I'm writing it here so I'll remember.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

mirrors

water mirror
I'm having such an amazing time on my writing retreat. There is so much quiet and space and freedom here. My introverted self is having a blast in a way that extroverts probably think is crazy. I'm getting a lot of work done and that feels so good, and I'm also taking tons of photos that are beautiful. Sometimes when I look at the images I've captured it feels a little bit like revelation. I'm often surprised by how the camera lens interpreted what I saw. It's a joy. And I've been including myself in some of these pictures with gratitude for what this teaches me about myself. 

I don't know how any of you feel about mirrors, but I've always had a pretty cold relationship with them. I have often been unhappy with the way I look so mirrors have tended to be an unfriendly presence in my life. I've felt the same way about photographs. If you've taken a picture of me in the past and shown it to me I've probably felt a little sick when I looked at it. I may or may not have asked you to delete it or groaned out loud. But lately I'm warming up to my own image. I still have things about my appearance that I don't particularly like, but I've become somewhat fascinated with the idea that mirrors are valuable as things that reflect without judging. My fitbit is kind of like that. It just tells me the truth. I might not like the truth it is telling me or I might like it a lot but none of that changes what is real.

I think the way I've avoided mirrors is connected to the way I've avoided a lot of things. I've been trying to gently approach things that I would normally avoid, and I've found that they're usually not at all what I was assuming. There's a kind of luminous beauty in things that are not perfect. There is goodness in taking a good hard look at who you really are, not just in terms of appearance but also beneath the surface where things can easily hide. I'm finding that I like myself much more than I used to. And I'm finding that when I surf the urge to put myself down, I'm more likely to see the image of God peering back at me in the mirror.

Monday, July 23, 2012

alone to work and play

I traveled a few hours away today to stay at a friend's cabin on a lake. I have the whole place to myself and it feels heavenly. I'm still working on getting this book done so I'll mostly be writing. But I wouldn't want to offend God by ignoring his creation. I think he wants me to sit on the porch and look out on the lake at least once in a while, and who am I to second guess the Almighty? I also might have to doodle-pray because that's the kind of holy lady I've become. Oh, and walking. I'll definitely have to walk. I'll probably nap a bit too. Please pray, that among all of these various Godly activities, some words actually appear on the page in sufficient quantity to get the job done.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

sweetness

I'm missing the North Shore today. I've already nearly forgotten the laid back pace and the deliciousness of walking on a path and finding raspberries to eat along the way, as though God planted them there especially for me. I'm terribly busy and feeling a little hopeless about getting everything done in the timeframe that is gradually filling with commitments and tasks and day-to-day necessities. I may have to clear everything from my schedule and go away for a while in order to focus. I suppose there are worse things, but I hate to do that.

It got me wondering about whether I'm moving so fast that I'm missing something God has planted especially for me? He doesn't exclusively live on the North Shore you know. (Actually, I'm not terribly certain about that sometimes.) So I took some time that I was sure I really didn't have in order to pray and listen to God about my time and my commitments. Turns out that God was right there with some luscious sweetness just for me. I'm still busy and still a little bit in panic mode, but at least I've got the taste of the Holy Spirit lingering on my lips. Yum.

Monday, July 16, 2012

balancing words

Every year the city of Saint Paul hosts a Sidewalk Poetry contest. The winners get to have their poems installed on the sidewalks all over town. I love that when I'm walking in certain areas I encounter the thoughts and blessings from other artists in our neighborhoods. It always lifts my spirits to know that art is valued in this way.

Yesterday as Dave and I walked we encountered this poem. It struck me as particularly important for me so I snapped this picture. Balance is something that has been elusive for me and I wanted to meditate on these words. When I looked at the photo later in the evening I realized that the design on top of my shoes sort of looks like the ends of a scale slightly out of balance or maybe in the process of coming into balance. I prefer to think of it that way. I like to think of my life coming into balance in a gradual process of adjusting priorities and habits.

I'm coming into a season of busyness with a book deadline approaching. When these kinds of things approach it's easy for me to go a little mad. I can easily forget everything else and throw out all other concerns in the service of whatever project or deadline comes upon me. It doesn't help that I tend to procrastinate. I'm an all or nothing kind of person. I'd like that to change. I'd like to become the kind of person who is steady and tending towards equilibrium. I'd like to become the kind of person who does a little here and a little there in the kind of slow progress that leads to a sane and timely result. In other words, I'd like to become a person who understands and practices balance.

I think I'm getting there. But for now, I've got this deadline and the immediate problem of how to maintain balance in the swirling waters of busyness. Let's see what emerges here.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

a taste of heaven is never enough

Well, I'm back from our week on the North Shore, and I have to tell you it kinda sucks to be back in the city after such blessedness. I'd go back in a minute.

On our last full day there Dave and I found a river to hike up that is not on any of the tourist maps so we were completely alone in this unspeakably beautiful place. We picked our way through mammoth rock formations with quartz deposits cut through in great veins that would run from the cliffs through the riverbed. It was like finding buried treasure and we pretended that we were on a deserted island exploring its hidden delights far from our ordinary lives. Every so often we'd come upon calm pools about thigh deep that were so sweet to wade in. Dave is just like a little boy when we do these things. I've never known anyone who fully appreciates nature the way he does and it fills me with awe too.



As we traveled further upstream we encountered a vast pool fed by a waterfall. We decided to go for a swim because it felt like God was inviting us to do so and it's not wise to turn down these invitations from the Almighty. 


The water was cold, but we quickly adjusted and I'm not exaggerating when I tell you that it was a little taste of heaven. The water is tinted from the minerals it carries so the pool disappeared into deeper and deeper shades of orange and rust until it became black and unknowable. It's slightly intimidating jumping into a pool that is so full of mystery. For all we knew, it was a bottomless crevasse that dipped to the center of the earth. I don't think it was, but you never know. The possibility of danger was just a tad delicious. 


At one point, Dave said, "I'm going to bring every person I love to this place." I guess after a while of hogging all the loveliness you just can't help but want to share it. So I'm sharing it with you now and I'm sharing it with myself too. It's so easy to forget these kinds of miracles and I never want to forget this. I'm craving heaven more than ever now. If God can do this, just imagine what he's got in store for us there. 

Monday, July 9, 2012

every moment a deep breath

I'm getting really bugged that blogger won't let me post images, but other than that, I'm not bugged at all. Dave and I and my parents are on the North Shore soaking up all the outrageous wonderfulness that we can. We're exploring forests and streams and mountains (for those of you who are reading from Colorado or other such mountainous regions, read "big hills".) The temperatures here have been perfect for hiking (low 70's as opposed to the 90's and 100's we were experiencing back home.) I don't know that I could be any more content than I am right at this moment, unless of course blogger decided to stop being stupid and allowed me to post images from my phone. It's so much easier to hear the voice of God when it's quiet and you're surrounded by his creation. I hear him in the wind and water. I notice him in the wild flowers growing beside the path. I feel him in the tops of the trees. I'm never going home.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

away for a bit

Hope I didn't worry anyone when I disappeared for the last several days. We traveled to the North Shore of Lake Superior yesterday and I got unbelievably busy before I left so I had no time to post. And what's worse, for some reason blogger isn't allowing me to post any pics from my phone, which is the only internet access I have in this remote place. You'll have to take my word for it for the time being that it's so lovely and relaxing and astounding. I'll give you more details when I return and I'll try to post a little while I'm here, but for now, I'm really kinda gone in the best possible way. :)

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

the secret garden


I snapped this shot the other day because it reminded me of The Secret Garden. When I was a little girl there was nothing I loved more than finding a secret place where I could be alone with my thoughts. I used to have a closet with a long storage area to the side of it and I would crawl there and stay for hours listening to music or reading or drawing. In fact, I was a bit of a hermit that way.

I still love the idea of a secret place. I don't quite know what it is about me (other than extreme introversion) that makes me long for this. Last October I wrote something about finding secret rooms that pretty much contained the same idea, the same urge to find something as yet undiscovered. I'm feeling lately that I've stumbled upon a room like this inside of me, something I've overlooked for a very long time, things I never noticed or appreciated before. This is a secret garden that has been neglected and hidden away in my soul, waiting for me to come inside.

I wonder what I'll find as I begin the work of tending this secret place? I wonder what will bloom there?

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

quickie


Well, the day got away from me and I just realized that I didn't post. This image from my walk yesterday will have to do. Hope you're all staying cool and enjoying your holiday week. Much love to you all...

Monday, July 2, 2012

turning my attention where it belongs


I spent the weekend beside a lake relaxing on the water, walking in the heat and taking photographs at every turn. I've noticed something subtle shifting in my life. Whenever I've tried to lose weight in the past I've become very self-absorbed and over-concerned with results. That's not really happening this time. Instead, I've become more concerned with my inner life and the life of God inside of me. Maybe it's because I'm writing here or maybe it's because I'm using my camera to attend to things more carefully. Maybe it's because I'm following a series on The Rhythmed Life on my friend Christianne's blog. Or maybe it's just because God is using this time to show me things I've always been too self-centered to notice before. Whatever it is, I'm deeply grateful.

I've been feeling the Holy Spirit as a companion with me as I move through the world these days. I've been noticing the sky, the vastness of its changing face and the beauty and wildness of its cloud formations. I've been enjoying the trees and flowers I meet on the path, my brothers and sisters who never fail to greet me. They teach me so much when I'm listening. They point me to God and his creative love. I've been turning my attention to Jesus more and more, looking up with hope and anticipation, longing for every point of contact. And as I've been participating in my life in this new way, I'm noticing that I'm content more often than not. It's a deep contentment that's not really contingent on things going my way. It's connected to something higher than my body or even my mind.

God is breaking out all over the place.